


No Wise Fish Comes Without A Porpoise

by psychomachia



Category: The Little Mermaid (1989), 人渣反派自救系统 - 墨香铜臭 | The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Little Mermaid Fusion, Fish Out of Water (And In A Boat), Gratuitous Fish References, Hand Jobs, Kinking On Gills And Scales, M/M, Temporary SQQ Genderswap For Fucking With SQH Purposes, Wrong Genre Savvy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:13:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26367757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychomachia/pseuds/psychomachia
Summary: Mobei-jun falls off a ship. Shang Qinghua falls in love.
Relationships: Mòběi-jūn/Shàng Qīnghuá, background Luò Bīnghé/Shěn Yuán | Shěn Qīngqiū
Comments: 15
Kudos: 438
Collections: We Die Like Fen 4: We Lived to Die Afen





	No Wise Fish Comes Without A Porpoise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [adspexi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/adspexi/gifts).



The sea witch idly inspects his nails, seemingly indifferent, but his tone is as sharp as the points of his immaculate manicure. “You are an idiot.”

Shang Qinghua squirms just a little. “But he was drowning,” he pleads.

“You should have just left him there.” Shen Qingqiu sets his fan aside. “Seriously, you know the rules. Don't keep anything that breathes.”

“He wasn't breathing when I found him,” Shang Qinghua says hopefully.

Shen Qingqiu fixes his glare directly on him and Shang Qinghua wilts. “Besides the point,” he says. “I can't believe you risked getting exposed just so you could what—get some? I know you're familiar with 'there's plenty of fish in the sea.' Quite literally?”

“No!” Shang Qinghua practically yells it. “It's not about that. I mean, sure he's really pretty and has the most amazing eyes, but it's more than that. I could tell he's really noble and wants to help his kingdom. If you heard what he told me about his family, you'd agree with me.”

“You talked to him?”

“He didn't know it was me!” Shang Qinghua is panicking even more. “He was delirious and he had just drowned and I was sort of covered in seaweed, so I'm sure he saw just a big pile of--”

He stops at the horrified expression on Shen Qingqiu's face. “What?”

“Nothing,” Shen Qingqiu says. “Just marveling at your idiocy.”

Shang Qinghua's shoulders slump. “Look, if you're not going to help me, then just tell me that instead of insulting me.”

“First off, you deserve it, and secondly, I never said I wasn't going to help you.”

“But--”

“If I insisted that everyone who came to me for assistance had to be intelligent, I'd never get any business.” Shen Qingqiu sighs. “So if you want to walk on land, I'll help you out.”

Shang Qinghua's face brightens. “Bro!”

“For a price.” His fan snaps shut. “You give me your voice and you can go up there.”

“My voice.” Shang Qinghua blinks. “When you say that, you mean--”

“You don't talk when you get up there, you don't make a sound. In return, you get legs and skin and whatever else you need to pass as human.”

“But we're friends,” Shang Qinghua protests. “Best friends! Can't you cut me a break?”

Shen Qingqiu leans forward, his tentacles gracefully sliding behind him in a way that Shang Qinghua has never been able to master with his own tail. “I am cutting you a break. Be grateful I'm not the previous witch.”

Shang Qinghua shudders. He remembers the stories of the previous one, beautiful, cold, and pretty much an absolute asshole to anyone he didn't give a shit about, which was everyone. “What happened to him anyway?”

Shen Qingqiu waves his hand dismissively. “Went up to the surface, to go curse babies or poison apples or shove people off cliffs,” he says. “He would have asked for your heart or a few of your limbs. You're getting off easy with me.”

“Is it really necessary?” Shang Qinghua tries to give his best puppy dog expression. “Couldn't you just take my soul or something?”

Shen Qingqiu's answering smile is kind, sweet, and so very mean. “Open your mouth.”

* * *

“Move it! Pick up that tray, boy!”

Shang Qinghua nods and grabs it, practically running out of the room. Running! With legs! That okay, are occasionally wobbly and cause him to crash into things, but he's here! In the king's palace!

Not that he's really had a chance to get close to him. Or... well, talk to him at all, since every time he opens his mouth, he gapes like a fish.

Truly, Sea Witch-bro is even more evil than his predecessor.

At least they're willing to take a chance on him here. It's not like he signed up to be a servant on day one, but he's used to people ordering him around and ignoring him, so it's pretty much normal. And he gets to at least occasionally see the king in the distance, a beautiful pillar of manliness that he will definitely not swoon over because he's just here to help him.

It's all right, Shang Qinghua thinks. We'll just make sure your evil uncle doesn't usurp the throne before you officially take it and then I'll go back to the sea where Sea Witch-bro will--

Huh. Did Shen Qingqiu actually say he'd give him his voice back?

Shang Qinghua probably should have checked into that.

That realization makes him reel and he clutches at the tray, stumbling backwards into... something, cool and firm and not a wall.

Shang Qinghua cranes his head up.

The king peers down at him, his chilly eyes regarding him with an expression that Shang Qinghua can't figure out.

He tries to right himself, as the king takes the tray from him and sets it on the nearby table.

Unfortunately, at that very moment, his stupid new limbs take the opportunity to fail. He's kept from falling on his ass only by a pair of very strong arms that have caught him and hold him as easily as the tray.

This is bad, he thinks. Or not bad, because it's the king and he's holding him, which is amazing, but no, even if his mouth can't speak, other parts of his body are saying things and he doesn't want to get murdered on his first day here.

Shang Qinghua squirms.

“Stop,” the king says in his deep voice and Shang Qinghua immediately complies. Then he starts walking and oh, shit, well, it looks like he's not getting any more work done today.

He keeps carrying Shang Qinghua through hallways where Shang Qinghua hides his face and pretends that the passing courtiers are totally not looking at them and pretending they don't see the latest servant blushing and fidgeting in their king's arms.

At last, they reach a door and the king kicks it open, because of course he does, Shang Qinghua thinks. Why wouldn't everything he does not be the coolest?

They go over to a blue velvet couch where the king promptly drops him on top of it. At least, it's not the nearby bed and then Shang Qinghua mentally kicks himself for feeling disappointed about that.

Shang Qinghua nods in what he hopes is taken to be gratitude with a dose of, “I'm fine, really, you can leave me here to my shame.”

The king sits down next to him. “You can't speak,” he says.

A more cautious nod this time.

“Hmm.” And the king leans back, closes his eyes.

It takes a few minutes for Shang Qinghua to realize that the king has fallen asleep, his breathing slow and steady. He watches it for longer than he'd like to admit, seeing the chest

Okay, he thinks, I'll just get up really quietly and maybe when he wakes up, he'll forget about this incredibly embarrassing incident.

That's when he notices that the king's hand is grasping his hair and ouch, okay, that is pain and Shang Qinghua guesses he's pretty much stuck there for the night.

Again, it should not make him as happy as it does.

* * *

Shang Qinghua peers into the water. Maybe if he just sort of casually slips into it, he'll manage to disappear completely unnoticed because this is a terrible plan, he knew it from the beginning--

A hand grasps his arm. “You'll fall in,” Mobei-jun says, his stupidly handsome face peering at Shang Qinghua in...concern?

It's a really nice day, Shang Qinghua thinks. There are birds singing, it's pleasantly warm, and if he listens closely, he thinks he hears the sound of Shen Qingqiu telling him that he's an idiot for getting into a boat with a man he barely knows.

But you're not supposed to refuse the king, right? He's just doing his job!

“Relax.” Mobei-jun reaches out a hand and smooths Shang Qinghua's brow. “You won't get into trouble.”

That's not the point, Shang Qinghua thinks. The point is that I came here to help you and all I've done so far is fall into your arms, sleep next to you all night, and then barely take one step towards actually doing work before you whisked me away to spend the day with you!

How am I supposed to track down your enemies? How am I supposed to muster your allies? How am I supposed to--

Mobei-jun holds out a fork patiently.

Shang Qinghua takes a bite.

The noodles really are delicious.

* * *

_What the hell are you doing here?_

Shen Qingqiu looks at the paper, her very red lips smiling with amusement. “I'm sorry,” she says. “Did I say you were going to do this all on your own?”

She may have taken away his voice, kept it locked in the shell necklace clasped around her neck, but Shen Qingqiu has not taken away his ability to argue and if he has to scribble until his hand falls off, Shang Qinghua will do so.

_Fine, you came to check up on me. Did you have to come looking like that? <_

It's deeply unfair how good Shen Qingqiu looks as a woman, her long shiny dark hair cascading around her in a clear violation of propriety. When she first walked into the court, a number of courtiers tripped over each other at the sight of her.

Not for the first time has Shang Qinghua wondered exactly what kind of powers being a Sea Witch gets you, besides the obvious “ability to fuck around with people and have them be grateful for it.”

Shen Qingqiu tosses her hair. “Look, I have my reasons for this. Besides which, you didn't tell me which king it was that you wanted to help out.”

_So?_

“You really don't remember?” Shen Qingqiu laughs bitterly. “Of all people, you'd think you'd know why I might have a problem with Mobei-jun.”

Mobei-jun?

Mobei-jun!

Oh, fuck, Shang Qinghua thinks.

_I didn't know._

“You didn't think to ask his damn name?” Shen Qingqiu's cheek has one perfect tear streaking down it. “The man who stole my precious Luo Binghe and led me to become this witch of deceit, lies, and hating all of humanity.” Right now, she looks every inch of a betrayed maiden, her cold gorgeous face cracking to reveal a wounded, tender heart.

Shen Qingqiu always was the best in lying.

_Nice try._

Shen Qingqiu shrugs and wipes away the tear. “It was worth a shot,” she says. “But I am still pretty pissed-off at him for that whole mess. So pardon me for wanting a little revenge.”

I'm pretty sure Luo Binghe has already forgiven you for dumping him on the beach.

“It doesn't matter,” she says. “I haven't forgiven myself.” There's a barely perceptible crack in her voice, and that part, more than anything, reminds Shang Qinghua of just how much his friend is still hurting.

_I'm sorry. But don't take it out on him._

In the silence, they can both hear voices in the hallway, getting closer.

Shen Qingqiu shakes her head and Shang Qinghua can barely hear her whisper, “I didn't promise you that this would turn out well.”

Shang Qinghua pleadingly reaches out one hand, but Shen Qingqiu steps back, puts on her typically cool demeanor.

Just before she reaches the door, she turns to him, caressing her necklace.

“You're never too old to learn a valuable lesson.”

* * *

The ball is in full swing. Everything's glittering, perfect, and people are smiling, drinking, thrilled at the reign of their new king.

Shang Qinghua is utterly miserable. Mobei-jun is nowhere to be seen, but no one seems to care but him. For supposedly loyal subjects, they seem far more interested in getting drunk than in really trying to support their ruler.

Is he the only one that wants to help Mobei-jun succeed?

Speaking of which, he hasn't seen Witch-bro in some time, which probably means she's off using her new feminine wiles to seduce him and break Shang Qinghua's heart for his own good. Look, Shen Qingqiu is the only one who'd ever listen to his stories (even if he'd mercilessly criticize them), but if he ruins this for Shang Qinghua, voice or no voice, Shang Qinghua will never forgive him.

He manages to slip away, which really isn't that hard, considering that there's so many people there, they'd hardly notice a missing lowly servant. Still, as he walks the hallways, he braces himself for someone to call out and ask him to come back.

No one does, not even when he reaches the door outside.

It's a nice night, he thinks dully. He's done nothing to help his lord, he still can't walk without stumbling, and his best friend is a sea witch bent on revenge, but the ocean's lovely in the moonlight.

He could just walk right in and go home.

Or he would if there wasn't a large group of armed men on the beach, and oh shit, did he just find the conspiracy without meaning to”

Shang Qinghua is vaguely insulted by this. What narrative laziness, he thinks. Shouldn't he have had to do some actual investigative work instead of having a picnic with the king and then running into the evil uncle at the climax?

“Now what have we hear,” a voice says behind him. “A little mouse come from the palace?”

He turns around and yes, it's definitely the evil uncle, good looks twisted to acts of perversion and a sneer upon his face. You couldn't design a more cliché “relative trying to seize the throne” if you tried.

Another voice chimes in. “I know this one, Linguang-jun! He's the one that's been hanging around the king!”

Linguang-jun's face twists even further into barely hidden rage. “So he's the king's favorite?”

Of course not! I'm nothing to him! Shang Qinghua tries to step back, but there are men closing in on him from all sides. Okay, yes, I wanted to stop you and make sure your plans came to nothing, but I haven't done a thing to help out! Surely, that warrants a little mercy?

One of the men laughs. “This one? He can't even talk..”

Linguang-jun smiles now, his rage turning into delight. “I begin to see the appeal,” he chuckles. “He won't even be able to scream for help.”

“My lord!” The man is breathless as he runs up to them. “Your nephew's coming this way.”

“Well,” Linguang-jun says, turning to Shang Qinghua. “Perhaps I'll keep you alive a little bit longer. I always enjoy an audience and seeing my nephew's newest toy broken in front of him before I take care of him might make this even more enjoyable.”

No!

“Hold still,” Linguang-jun says, as he presses Shang Qinghua against him. “I wouldn't want to accidentally kill you before it's time.”

Please don't come this way, Shang Qinghua thinks desperately. Go back to the palace, to the light, to the people and the noise and the safety and--

Mobei-jun's head comes into view. He seems unaware of anything.

“Just a little bit longer,” Linguang-jun whispers. “Do you think he'll cry or he'll be like you, refusing to say a word even as I take away everything he loves?”

No. No.

Mobei-jun is fully in view.

The men ready their weapons.

“No!”

It takes a moment for Shang Qinghua to realize that it's not in his head.

He really just screamed that.

“You little--”

And Linguang-jun gets cut off as a spear of ice rams itself straight through his throat.

* * *

“Shang Qinghua,” Mobei-jun says. “I remember you from the beach. You saved my life.”

Shang Qinghua has to say, the bed is definitely more comfortable than the couch. It doesn't hurt that Mobei-jun's hands are running along his side, checking to make sure he's not injured.

“I'm sorry, my lord,” Shang Qinghua says. “I didn't want to lie to you and I really couldn't speak, but--” He trails off, unable to even begin to explain how he miraculously regained his voice. He's not even sure how he did it.

“The Sea Witch,” Mobei-jun nods. “Your price.”

Shang Qinghua looks at him in disbelief. “How did you know?”

“Shen Qingqiu told me,” Mobei-jun says. His hands, cool and knowing, massage along Shang Qinghua's back. “He also threatened me.”

“Threatened you?”

“Mmm.” Mobei-jun's hands move lower, touch along Shang Qinghua's legs and he tries not to move too much. “You have scales here,” he says.

“What?” Shang Qinghua twists around, and sure enough, he can see faint bits of iridescence gleaming along his legs. “I thought he said they'd be fully human.”

Mobei-jun raises an eyebrow. “I don't mind it,” he says, and presses deeper on them.

“That's right,” Shang Qinghua says. “You're not human either. So what are you some sort of demon or half-demon or--”

“I can see why he took away your voice,” Mobei-jun answers. “You talk too much.”

Shang Qinghua opens his mouth to protest further and Mobei-jun takes it with his own, lets his cool tongue slip inside his mouth and oh! Right, so this is happening.

Plenty of fish in the sea, my ass, Shang Qinghua thinks. It's not better down where it's wetter, take it from him.

Mobei-jun's hands reach for his cock. They take it into their grip and Shang Qinghua can't help but arch back, letting the smooth fingers take charge of it. He'll leave everything to his king in this matter, serve him and fuck, even if Shen Qingqiu didn't get the skin right, he definitely excelled in sensitivity because Shang Qinghua is feeling it everywhere.

His own hands explore Mobei-jun's body, demon or human, he doesn't really care. What he does care about is how it feels, pale skin turning red from his hands and Mobei-jun reacting not with words, but with sighs and tremors.

He's glad he has his voice back, but right now, it doesn't seem like it's capable of doing more than moaning.

Mobei-jun's cock is heavy in his hands, and Shang Qinghua thinks, definitely tasting that tonight. But for now, his king is giving his own cock some lavish attention and he only feels it's fair to return the favor.

Shang Qinghua arches back even further as Mobei-jun hits a particularly sensitive spot, and Mobei-jun seizes upon the opportunity to move his mouth to Shang Qinghua's neck. He sucks along the side of it, finding a spot there that opens up and oh, yeah, he still has gills, and there's a tongue that teases them--

A white-hot bolt of pleasure rips through him and Shang Qinghua comes right then and there.

When he's able to think again, Mobei-jun's impassive expression has opened up slightly and Shang Qinghua can now read smugness in it.

He takes his revenge by sliding his fingers along the underside of his king's cock and yep, that does the trick. Mobei-jun comes in his hand and Shang Qinghua doesn't even bother to resist the temptation of licking it off his fingers.

It's salty, of course, but probably not as much as his, considering the whole oceanic creature thing.

Mobei-jun's arms wrap around Shang Qinghua, and he lets himself sink into his chest. He yawns slightly. Big plans might have to wait until tomorrow.

“Qinghua?”

There's a rumble from under Shang Qinghua's head and he lifts it to look at Mobei-jun. He's intensely aware of just how hot and sticky he feels, and Mobei-jun's skin is blissfully cool beneath him, so separating himself even for a moment seems like a chore. “What is it?”

Mobei-jun's eyes are deep and knowing. Shang Qinghua could sink into them, an ocean that he'd never want to leave.

“I don't mind carrying the children,” he says gravely. “Just so you know.”

* * *

“It's not that funny.”

“It definitely is.” Shen Qingqiu is still wiping the tears away from his eyes, now back to his regular form, minus the whole tentacles thing, which would be a little awkward on land. “But if you ever decide to have a few eggs, isn't it good to know where your future husband stands on this matter?”

Shang Qinghua sits down. “I guess so,” he says. “By the way, thanks for the whole voice thing.”

Shen Qingqiu looks away. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

Of course you don't, Shang Qinghua thinks fondly. You've always been a soft one, even if you don't always show it. “Well, it was the right thing to do,” he says.

Shen Qingqiu sinks back further in his chair across from him, hiding his face behind his fan. “Well, supposing someone did break their necklace because they didn't want to see their friend killed or have his heart broken for the rest of his life. Wouldn't you say that that means technically, someone still is owed payment.”

Shang Qinghua has been expecting this, so he delights in seeing Sea Witch-bro's surprised face, when he smiles. “Naturally,” he says. “I wouldn't want anyone to think I don't pay my debts.”

Shen Qingqiu narrows his eyes, obviously suspicious at this. “So how do you propose to pay?”

“Well, I do have a number of ideas cropping up for some amazing works,” Shang Qinghua says. “I've been listening in around the palace and the market here is definitely ripe for the picking.”

“You're going to pay me with your smut?” Shen Qingqiu scoffs. “You're going to have to do better than your trashy stories.”

There's a knock at the door. Shang Qinghua grins.

“Oh, I can,” he says. “You may not be able to promise that everything can turn out well, but I assure you that I can.”

Shen Qingqiu stands up abruptly, his face paling. “What did you do?”

The door opens.

“Shizun! I've missed you so much!”

Shen Qingqiu's face is a glorious mixture of joy and terror.

That's right, Shang Qinghua thinks. Leave the ending of the story to the master.

**Author's Note:**

> I did not come up with the fish pun (Lewis Carroll is) but I am responsible for making it smutty.


End file.
